Parenting
The Evening I Offered My Partner a Pass
by Emily Thompson
Updated: June 3, 2020
Originally Published: May 19, 2015
In navigating the challenges of our intimate life, the disparity in our libidos became glaringly evident. Since the arrival of our children, I found myself less inclined towards physical intimacy. I’m not one to pretend; if I’m not in the mood, I can’t fake it. My partner often expresses his desire with, “I just want to connect physically with my partner. You’re my partner.”
So I thought, why not? If he craves thrilling encounters, why not grant him a pass? A hall pass to explore intimacy with someone else. This concept had been brewing in my mind for years, especially after I felt guilty for not being intimate with him following the births of our two children, who are just 16 months apart.
I reasoned with myself: Our marriage is solid, we are happy, and our children are thriving. Why let a lack of sex jeopardize our bond? If physical connection is paramount, he could seek it elsewhere.
Yet, this notion felt deeply unfair. Why must a lack of sex signal the end of a marriage? How could our relationship’s myriad strengths be overshadowed by physical intimacy? Why must it always be about sex?
At this stage, therapists might advise me to “just do it.” They would argue that intimacy is crucial, urging me to “try harder” and suggesting I schedule sexual encounters. I’ve attempted that route; I’ve engaged in intimacy when I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly, it felt dreadful. Occasionally, I’ve even donned alluring outfits and approached him like a seductress, but deep down, I was merely pretending to be interested—faking attraction to avoid societal judgment about our relationship.
Before you jump to conclusions about my partner’s character, let me clarify: when we do connect, it’s electrifying. Still, the prolonged periods without intimacy weigh heavily on both of us. Why can’t I feel that spark again? Why is my desire dwindling? How could motherhood diminish my libido? I even had hormone tests done, hoping for a biological cause, but everything checked out fine.
I refuse to accept that romance is the sole foundation of marriage. There is plenty of good in our relationship, and I believe that our bond can endure a hiatus from passion. Does temporary intimacy fade mean we’re heading for divorce?
One evening, during a relaxed moment with my partner, I blurted out, “I wish you could sleep with someone else. Here, take a free pass. Just don’t tell me about it and be careful. Please, don’t fall in love.”
His reaction was one of shock and hurt. “So, you don’t love me anymore?” he asked, his voice low. I felt a lump form in my throat; didn’t he understand that this was my way of showing love?
He looked genuinely distressed. “Have you considered the consequences of me being with someone else?”
I regained my composure and replied, “Yes, I’ve thought it through. I feel so pressured to be the perfect wife—sexy, attentive, and a great mother, all while excelling at my job. It’s overwhelming.”
He countered, “I don’t pressure you. I never expect you to do everything.”
While that’s true, he does drop hints about his needs, suggesting that if I loved him, I’d want to be intimate. I disagree; love and sex are not synonymous.
The reality is, I adore my partner, but my sexual drive has diminished significantly. Life with young children is exhausting, and the pressure to engage intimately feels like too much. I don’t have the energy for regular passionate encounters.
I can’t subscribe to the idea of scheduling intimacy or adhering to societal expectations of marriage. Adding more to my to-do list would only heighten my stress.
There are countless reasons why my romantic availability has waned—kids, work, and other commitments. My post-baby body issues further complicate matters. However, I didn’t need therapy to reach these conclusions.
Our marriage isn’t failing; we’re not on the brink of divorce. Surprisingly, my partner isn’t keen on my free pass idea. Can’t we just take a break from romance and focus on raising our children?
Eventually, passion will return, whether it takes a year, two, or five. I want to be partners and friends, and my partner shares that sentiment.
I wish experts would stop giving me prescriptive advice on how to restore my marriage post-baby. I won’t reclaim my pre-baby self, nor will my body revert to what it once was. I’m a changed person, molded by the experience of motherhood.
My relationship is on a new path. The essential question is whether I can envision my partner by my side in the years to come at soccer games or recitals. Yes, I want to share those moments with him, even if our current intimacy is lacking.
When the time is right, and I’m ready, he’ll be patiently waiting, free pass in hand.
For more insights on navigating relationships and parenthood, check out our post on the Home Insemination Kit. It’s an excellent resource for anyone considering family planning. Additionally, Healthline provides valuable information about pregnancy and related topics.
Summary:
This article explores the complexities of maintaining intimacy in a marriage after the arrival of children. The author candidly discusses her struggles with libido, societal pressures, and the balance of parenting and partnership. Ultimately, she emphasizes the importance of friendship and partnership over physical intimacy, acknowledging that love can endure beyond the confines of a traditional romantic relationship.
Keyphrase: intimacy in marriage after children
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