As a mother, I find joy in the little things, like my children’s sweet hugs and homemade cards. However, if I were to dream a little bigger this Mother’s Day, here are some wishes that come to mind:
- A wine tap system that dispenses wine like a beer tap—who wouldn’t want that?
- Just five minutes of uninterrupted peace—I’d even take three and a half.
- A humorous tattoo on Gwyneth Paltrow’s forehead that reads, “I’m better than you.” Clearly, it’s a logical next step.
- A lifetime supply of Magnum caramel ice cream bars—better yet, a delivery truck that stays parked in my driveway.
- Celebrities should refrain from discussing their skepticism about science, particularly vaccines. It would be refreshing if non-medical experts stopped penning medical advice books.
- Can we please bring back the trend of embracing chubby midsections, like in the Renaissance? They clearly knew what was fashionable.
- The creation of a “sarcasm” font—I need that for all my witty comments.
- A “frustration” font for my online writing career. It would truly come in handy.
- A Facebook filter to block all advertisements for momtrepreneur products. I have enough candles and creams, thank you!
- For women to embrace their wrinkles—let’s celebrate facial expressions and leave Botox behind.
- Stylish heels that don’t feel like walking on stilts. Is that too much to ask?
- A simple “thank you” every now and then—just two words can mean so much.
- A cake that burns fat—how is this not a reality yet?
- Non-parents should really stop sharing parenting advice. I’d rather not receive tips from those who have never cared for kids.
- The FDA should approve sleep aids for toddlers. It’s a no-brainer, right?
- A robot that collects toys in a child’s room at night would be a game changer. See #15 for context.
- Oversized diaper wipes—size of paper towels—because I use them for everything!
- A cartoon dedicated solely to teaching kids how to be quiet. Why has no one thought of this?
- A maid would be a dream, though my Italian grandmother might disapprove.
- The development of a wine and Goldfish cracker weight-loss program would be amazing.
- A Twitter filter to mute those who tweet about exercise instead of coffee in the morning. Seriously, who are these people?
- Gisele Bundchen gaining weight would provide some perspective on motherhood. Enough said.
- Wealthy, famous mothers should cease discussing the difficulties of motherhood—it gets old.
- Foot massages that last longer than a minute and a half would be greatly appreciated.
- A memoir titled “My Descent Out Of Hell – Memories From A Tiger Mom Cub” is bound to happen.
- An academic study confirming that mothers who enjoy moderate drinking and swearing raise the most well-adjusted kids would be fascinating.
- Overzealous parents need to stop sending open letters to others about their parenting failures. Enough is enough.
- The ability to wear white jeans without fear of stains would be a wonder.
- No more lists of “what not to say to pregnant women” would be a relief—seriously, stop it!
- Women having kids in their late thirties should be referred to as “smart and ready” rather than “advanced maternal age.” Who’s calling us old?
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In essence, Mother’s Day is about appreciating the small and large desires of mothers everywhere—ranging from a moment of peace to a little extra love and understanding in our busy lives.
Keyphrase: Mother’s Day wishes
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