At times, I find myself overwhelmed by the question, “Why me?”
Why did my marriage end? Statistically, it shouldn’t have. My partner and I dated for three years before getting engaged, and I chose to marry at 27, waiting until 31 to have our first child. We both had college degrees and successful careers, which typically indicate a low risk of divorce. However, those statistics did not apply to us.
While the general divorce rate hovers around 50 percent, my socio-economic circle reflects a different reality. I only know one person who has gone through divorce, and we became acquainted through our shared experiences. This can feel isolating in the upper-middle-class world.
So, my marriage failed—such is life. But then I spiral into the “why-me’s” regarding my angry ex-partner. I hear tales of ex-husbands who prioritize their children’s well-being above all, engaging kindly with their former spouses, attending family events, and contributing to their kids’ activities. Why does my ex refuse to even acknowledge my presence? Why does he seem determined to make my life more difficult? Why did he take me to court, forcing me to deplete my savings just to secure basic support?
Yes, why me? This train of thought often leads to excessive self-blame, as being a victim feels foreign to me. What did I do wrong? What misstep led me down this path? What is inherently flawed about me?
The truth is that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes; it’s part of being human. There is no quick fix to eliminate our humanity. I’ve tried various methods, from medications to meditation, to escape this reality.
Eventually, I realized I needed radical self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. They say that to receive love, you must give it freely. So, when the “why-me’s” invade my thoughts, I focus on extending forgiveness to my ex. It may seem counterintuitive, but I recognize that I need to forgive, so I choose to offer it.
This forgiveness extends beyond him; I also think of those I’ve lost throughout this journey. Many people, who only know a fraction of the story, have judged me harshly—friends who have distanced themselves due to my choices and neighbors who have taken sides. I strive to forgive them as well. After all, they act out of misunderstanding, just like I have.
The lessons learned through divorce have been transformative, mostly in positive ways. I have become a better person—more patient, kinder, calmer, and stronger than I ever was during my marriage. When I concentrate on these improvements, I begin to shift my mindset from “why me?” to “why not me?” I deserve this newfound strength and the joy that comes with it.
If my ex was never meant to be my supporter, then I am fortunate to have him out of my daily life. This perspective shift requires practice. Each time the “why-me’s” emerge, I consciously replace them with “why NOT me?” and reflect on the many ways I am fortunate.
Ultimately, I deserve happiness and a life filled with love. I have endured challenges and emerged, ready to let go of the past in favor of a brighter future. Everyone deserves this opportunity, including him and all of us.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s journey of moving away from self-blame and the “why me?” mentality after experiencing divorce. Through radical self-love and forgiveness, she has transformed her perspective, recognizing her strength and deservingness of happiness. The lessons learned have made her a better person, leading to a fulfilling life post-divorce.
Keyphrase: overcoming self-blame after divorce
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