There’s a common misconception regarding relationships that if you don’t reward undesirable behavior—whether it’s “Don’t give in to your toddler’s tantrum!” or “Don’t pretend to enjoy an unsatisfactory intimate experience!”—the behavior will eventually change. This belief can offer comfort when we’re young or new to relationships, filled with hope and eager to avoid the pitfalls of disappointing long-term commitments. We convince ourselves that through proper guidance, with the right incentives, we can rectify all imperfections and make life smoother.
However, this notion is misleading. Some individuals simply aren’t great lovers, some relatives will invoke guilt regardless of your choices, and toddlers will continue to throw tantrums. While there are valid reasons to refrain from indulging these behaviors, it’s different to think you can fundamentally change someone else.
Perhaps we cling to this myth to avoid confronting certain truths about ourselves. For instance, I can recall how, even in grade school, I left signed permission slips at home, missing out on school trips. I would tell myself that I’d surely remember better next time. Fast forward several years, and I recently stumbled upon a pile of thank-you notes I had written, addressed, and stamped—yet never sent—five years later.
Here’s an A to Z compilation of my persistent shortcomings:
- Anything involving a calendar
- Birthday cards—purchasing
- Conference, Parent/Teacher, 8th grade, attending (despite multiple planning emails)
- Doctors—visiting
- Every ball sport
- Fall coats
- Grocery lists
- Hair—maintenance of
- Insurance companies—dealing with
- Just making an appointment without excessive anxiety
- Kids’ social activities—coordinating
- Long grain rice—cooking without burning (yes, even in a rice cooker)
- Moisturizing
- Not spilling
- Oral instructions—giving and following
- Period—anticipating arrival of
- Quick name recall
- Routines—following and adapting to changes
- Shoes—wearing (e.g., I once found myself barefoot after visiting my parents, realizing too late I’d exited the car without them)
- Turning off utilities
- Umbrella—bringing and returning with
- Voicemail
- Weather—checking before leaving the house
- Tax forms (the night before closing on our home, panic struck as I suddenly remembered the Real Estate Transfer Tax form—I ransacked the house, only to find it under my teaching bag, alongside my prenatal class materials)
- Yesterday’s emails, marked as “read”—recalling their existence
- Zzzz (any kind of meeting)
No one excels at everything, regardless of effort or motivation. We all recognize this fact, but perhaps true adulthood is about distinguishing our flaws from broader competencies. I once believed that reaching my forties meant I would have my life completely organized. Now, I understand that being an adult doesn’t necessarily equate to keeping track of every little detail, like paper or umbrellas.
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In summary, while we all have our areas of struggle, it’s essential to recognize and accept these imperfections as part of our individual journeys. Embracing our shortcomings can lead to deeper self-awareness and personal growth.
Keyphrase: Things I Still Struggle With in My Forties
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