My older son, Ethan, gazed through the blinds into our backyard, yet he made no effort to join his friends. His homework was completed, and he had free time until dinner—still, the Monday afternoon soccer match continued without him.
“Aren’t you going outside?” I inquired.
He turned away from the sliding glass door and shook his head. “No,” he replied. “Not today. I just don’t want to.”
This was unusual; Ethan usually relishes outdoor play. I understood the reason for his reluctance. “Is it because of the Nerf gun situation?” I asked.
He nodded slightly. “A little bit.”
Ethan turned back to the window, watching his friends play soccer in our yard. He wished to join them but remained hidden behind the blinds.
The “Nerf gun situation” stemmed from a bicycle race that had taken place over the weekend, which Ethan lost to two older kids who were bigger, stronger, and faster. Prior to the race, one of the older boys—a child we know well—had jokingly declared that the race loser would endure a point-blank barrage of Nerf darts from the other two participants. It was essentially a Nerf gun firing squad.
When Ethan told us about this so-called “punishment” for losing, my wife and I made it clear that it would not happen, and he would need to communicate this to his friends. The next morning, we both pondered the situation. Was this a form of bullying, or simply kids being kids? How can parents differentiate between the two? What actions should we take?
In that moment, we advised Ethan to stand firm against the other boys if they attempted to enforce the “punishment.” However, we questioned if he knew how to assert himself effectively. After some discussion, we determined that this was not a case of ongoing bullying, as we had confidence in the character of the other children and in Ethan’s rapport with them.
Nevertheless, turning down friends is never easy. My wife and I wanted to ensure that Ethan had the right words to defuse any potential conflict without jeopardizing his friendships. We crafted a plan together that he could use if the situation arose.
As he gazed out the blinds, Ethan felt torn—eager to play but hesitant about the prospect of being shot at with Nerf darts. I said, “You can go outside if you wish. Those guys may have forgotten the bike race. But if they mention it, do you know what to say?”
He nodded and replied, “Yeah, come back inside.” His expression revealed he wasn’t satisfied with that response, so I reminded him of our suggested strategy. “You could look them in the eye and say, ‘That’s ridiculous. I’m not standing around to be shot at with Nerf guns. Let’s just play soccer instead.’”
I added, “Let me know if that doesn’t work.”
After a moment of contemplation, he reached for his jacket. “OK,” he said. “I’m going outside.”
I resisted the urge to watch him closely. I believe children need room to navigate situations independently, and I trusted that he would seek me out if necessary.
An hour later, he returned for dinner. I casually asked if the Nerf gun situation had come up. “It did,” he replied.
“Oh?” I probed. “What happened?”
“I told them it was just nonsense and to keep playing soccer,” he said, a smile forming on my face. “Nonsense?” I echoed, pleased with his choice of words.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I forgot the other word you taught me, but I like ‘nonsense’ better.”
I expressed my pride in his decision to stand up for himself. I appreciated that he didn’t allow his older friends to sway him into accepting a poor idea. I admired his ability to confront his fears and adapt our plan to navigate the situation. Most importantly, I was thrilled that Ethan discovered his own inner strength. Despite losing the bike race, he triumphed over his apprehension and managed a challenging scenario with poise.
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In summary, fostering assertiveness in children is essential for their social development. By equipping them with the right tools and strategies, parents can empower their children to navigate peer interactions with confidence and grace.
Keyphrase: Teaching children assertiveness
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