The look on my son’s face said it all; he was trying to suppress a smile as he bit his lip. He was clearly proud of himself. He nodded at the right moments, articulated his thoughts perfectly, and exhibited the politeness I had encouraged.
Later, he expressed his fondness for this routine. “I love being a good student, especially during parent-teacher conferences when I receive so many compliments.” He wasn’t boasting; he was genuinely invested in the praise system that surrounded him. I felt a surge of pride, satisfied that I was raising a child who was deemed “a joy to have in the classroom.” My son eagerly collected his gold stars, relishing the affirmation.
This led me to ponder, “Am I nurturing a praise addict?” It struck me that I might know this type of dependency all too well.
Earlier that same day, I had been alone, reading and journaling about my own relationship with praise. I was engrossed in Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, and began to realize how my dependence on positive feedback might be stunting my personal growth rather than promoting it. My son’s enthusiasm for compliments hit a nerve that had already been tender that day.
I’ve always been a praise addict. Growing up, I played the role of the responsible adult, learning to rely on external validation to affirm my intelligence and abilities. As a student, I consistently earned high grades and positive feedback. In my career, I crave acknowledgment and approval. It’s not merely a preference; it’s a necessity for me.
I’ve always been willing to put in the effort with the unspoken understanding that a reward—be it a “Great job!” from a boss or a simple acknowledgment for chores—awaits me. These affirmations come in various forms, from a boss’s praise to the likes and shares I check compulsively on social media.
Just recently, in a yoga class, I focused intently on my form, all while wondering if my instructor noticed my effort. When he said, “Good job, Lisa,” I felt validated; my hard work was acknowledged.
Yes, I confess—I’m a praise addict. And now, I see my bright, affable child following the same approval-seeking path.
Mohr highlights that this behavior can limit us more than we realize. When we become “hooked on praise,” we risk allowing it to dictate our sense of worth and talent. To effect positive change, we must learn to influence authority figures rather than merely please them.
Reading Mohr’s insights made me recognize how much I need to address these ingrained habits. Each chapter feels like a bitter pill that I struggle to swallow. I find myself bristling at her anti-praise stance, which only confirms my need for rehabilitation.
As a parent, I grapple with how to instill respect for oneself and others. With this respect often comes praise for good behavior and manners, which my husband and I value in our children’s social interactions.
However, I don’t want to create little praise-seeking machines. I worry about them chasing accolades and external validation, potentially leading to their own need for rehabilitation years down the line.
How do we, as Mohr suggests, “unhook from praise” so we don’t raise children who become addicted to it when they face the real world? In an educational system that rewards performance and behavior, how can we ensure our kids don’t become approval addicts?
When my son mentioned how much he enjoyed compliments, I was at a loss for words. I recognized this as a teaching moment, yet my thoughts clouded my response. In hindsight, I wish I had said:
“My dear son, you are remarkable for so many reasons. Your joy, empathy, and kindness enrich everything you do. You are uniquely funny and compassionate, and I want you to always hold onto those qualities. You are not a compilation of compliments. Your worth does not depend on others’ perceptions. Strive for your best, but above all, be yourself, even when it feels challenging.”
To which he would likely respond, “Can I have dessert?” Regardless of his immediate comprehension, my journey to overcome my praise dependency continues, with the hope that it will ultimately bear fruit. I believe that with awareness, we can strike a balance between the “Great jobs!” and our identities beyond them.
While I do appreciate affirmations about my parenting, I’m working on not seeking that validation anymore.
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In summary, as parents, it is essential to balance the praise our children receive with lessons on self-worth and identity. By doing so, we can help them grow into confident individuals who value themselves beyond external acknowledgment.
Keyphrase: praise addiction in parenting
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