By: Jordan Ellis
Updated: Aug. 3, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 20, 2015
When women who choose to remain child-free discuss their lives, the conversation often begins with a defensive tone, such as, “I LOVE kids! I’m not a bad person, honestly.” I won’t stray far from that narrative here because it is indeed accurate—I genuinely enjoy the company of children. From newborns and energetic toddlers to inquisitive elementary school kids and moody teenagers, I find joy in their presence. However, I am disheartened that women like myself frequently feel the need to justify our decision not to have children, often before the dialogue even starts.
The reason for this defensiveness is clear: when we indicate our choice to remain child-free, we anticipate being labeled as selfish, and this criticism arises quickly. In my early 30s, as I recognized that biological motherhood likely wasn’t in my future—thanks to the accessibility of birth control—a male friend was the first to accuse me of selfishness. Having been on the path to marriage since our early 20s and now a father of two, his words shocked me and marked the beginning of the end of our long-standing friendship.
Understanding the Defensiveness
Women without children often become defensive when accused of selfishness because we understand the underlying message: it implies we are not fulfilling traditional femininity or maternal roles. This notion suggests that we lack emotional depth or nurturing instincts, essentially labeling us as less-than.
What is frequently overlooked in this conversation is the potential for child-free women to engage in selfless acts—caring for friends, supporting their children, assisting aging parents, nurturing animals, and contributing to both local and global communities. Without the responsibilities of parenting, I have the opportunity to be an activist, and if we measure societal contributions, I believe I would score respectably.
When men critique child-free women as selfish, it is both a simplistic and diminishing perspective; it suggests that we exist solely for procreation. How dare we seek pleasure in intimacy without the goal of reproduction? This sentiment is echoed not only by traditionalists but also by more liberal voices, including figures like Pope Francis, who have fallen into the belief that women without children are inherently selfish.
The Perception of Motherhood
Then, there are the women in my life. Friends with children sometimes look at me with pity, suggesting that I should give motherhood a try since it has been the most rewarding experience for them—and I believe it has been. Yet, it is not my most rewarding experience; I have different paths that bring me fulfillment. I suspect that part of this is a projection of their unfulfilled desires.
Even though I’m not living a party lifestyle, as they might imagine, I am often curled up at home, enjoying a good movie after a busy workday. Some of my friends with children may want me to join their “club,” perhaps out of a subconscious envy of my perceived freedom, or they wish for me to endure the challenges of motherhood to understand their experiences.
Open to Alternative Paths
To clarify, I occupy a unique space within the child-free community. I remain open to the possibility of adoption in the future if my circumstances allow. I could also consider becoming a stepmother. However, I made the decision to forgo biological motherhood nearly a decade ago, primarily due to concerns about climate change and overpopulation. I am capable of loving and caring for vulnerable beings, regardless of whether they come from my own body. Adoption would be an obvious choice if it were financially feasible.
If I do find myself in the role of a mother, I hope to retain my identity as a woman, a writer, a partner, and a human being. Motherhood is often idealized in our society, and while mothers deserve recognition for their hard work, it’s essential to acknowledge that they are multifaceted individuals—not just “moms.”
When I first shared my thoughts on being child-free, I was met with an unexpected backlash. My article, “My Uterus Is Closed For Business and I Have No Regrets,” attracted nearly 500 comments on a major platform, many of which were harsh critiques accusing me of selfishness. However, the post garnered almost 6,000 likes, indicating that it resonated with many women seeking an alternative narrative.
Four years later, it’s evident that we still have work to do to liberate the child-free from societal judgment. This effort begins with how parents raise their daughters today. Not every girl will grow up to be a mother, so it is vital to communicate that choosing to remain child-free is a valid option.
Creating space for those without children requires introspection and consideration of one’s own choices. This conversation should start early, in our teens and 20s. However, even within our 30s and 40s, whether we are out celebrating or balancing motherhood, mutual respect for our differing paths is essential.
Summary
In conclusion, being child-free does not equate to selfishness or sadness. Many women find fulfillment in various aspects of life beyond motherhood. Child-free individuals often contribute richly to society through activism and care for others. It is crucial to understand and respect diverse life choices and to ensure that future generations know that remaining child-free is a valid and fulfilling option.
Keyphrase: child-free lifestyle
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