Menu for Parents
The High Maintenance Child Assessment
By Dr. Emily Carter
Updated: August 20, 2015
Originally Published: February 11, 2015
Some time ago, I had dinner with a grounded couple, Alex and Jamie. Alex worked as a physician while Jamie was a publisher. They didn’t chase after a Pinterest-perfect lifestyle. Instead, they focused on raising their two children with a hands-on approach that involved activities like playing outdoors, catching frogs, or building forts. Their home was charming yet modest, reflecting the belief that four individuals don’t need an extravagant 20,000 square feet to thrive. I appreciated their practical parenting style; their children rode bikes, enjoyed their meals, and expressed gratitude, which, in my opinion, indicated they were doing well.
During one dinner, Alex recounted a story about his young son, Oliver, who invited a friend over for a playdate. Upon arriving, the friend complimented their “adorable” house and asked, “Is this all there is?” Inside, when the friend inquired about a playroom, Oliver replied, “I don’t have one.” Curiously, the friend asked, “Where do you play?” to which Oliver responded, “In my room.”
The conversation continued with inquiries about gaming systems. “Where’s the Wii?” asked the friend. “I don’t have a Wii, but we can play outside,” replied Oliver. The playdate unfolded until dinner, when the family began to set up for an outdoor cookout. “What are you making?” the friend asked. “I’m grilling burgers and corn,” Alex replied. “Oh, is it Kobe beef? I only eat Kobe beef.” “No, it’s Costco’s 20% ground chuck,” Alex said. That statement alone placed the kid firmly on the High Maintenance Child List (HMCL) in my book.
After that dinner, I informed my children that nothing guarantees a swift placement on the HMCL faster than being demanding or impolite. Inspired by this experience, I’ve created a questionnaire to be used prior to playdates, ensuring a smoother experience when hosting other children.
Please categorize your child’s eating preferences:
- a) Vegan
- b) Gluten-free
- c) Gluten and sugar-free
- d) Dairy and gluten-free, but meat is acceptable
- e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
- f) Will only eat foods that do not touch on the plate
- g) Will only drink soda, even if it’s unavailable, and cannot substitute
- h) Will only consume colorless foods with no sauces, condiments, or dressings
For Sleepovers—Please inform me of the following:
- a) Your child has never slept past 5 AM, and is accustomed to breakfast and activities being provided at that hour; I should be prepared with a clown suit and griddle.
- b) Your child requires back rubbing to fall asleep; I should anticipate needing to practice my massage skills for hours.
- c) Your child is such a healthy eater that if I allow pizza and buttered popcorn, I should brace for potential projectile vomiting at 4 AM.
- d) Your child has never slept in their own bed; I should expect a midnight visitor.
Regarding our pets, how should we prepare?
- a) Your child has cat allergies but is fine with dogs.
- b) Your child loves cats but fears dogs.
- c) Your child is allergic to cats and dislikes dogs; all pets should be boarded.
- d) Your child’s allergies require the installation of a full house air filter, running for 24 hours before the playdate.
What toys should be available for playtime?
- a) Legos without instructions, as creativity flourishes without guidance.
- b) Legos with a specific set; ensure no pieces are missing, as the instructions are vital for enjoyment.
- c) American Girl Dolls, including a complete wardrobe and hairstyling station.
- d) Any toy, provided it isn’t manufactured in China.
Television and Movies:
- a) Your child may watch PG-13 films if there’s no bad language or sexual innuendo; violence is acceptable.
- b) Your child can view PG-13 content as long as it avoids strong language and violence.
- c) Your child should not watch TV at all; research suggests it may lower IQ and attention span.
- d) Your child can watch anything; they have three older siblings, and my only request is to keep them alive amidst my other commitments.
Preferred Activities:
- a) Your child enjoys baking gluten-free cupcakes with politically correct decorations.
- b) Your child loves making short films and may require costumes and video editing equipment.
- c) Your child prefers board games, and you will provide the adjusted rules to avoid any self-esteem issues.
- d) Your child is inclined toward the visual arts; please provide a list of acceptable mediums, as crayons may be deemed inferior.
Household Rules to Consider:
- a) Allow food and drinks throughout the house to prevent low blood sugar.
- b) Cover all furniture with plastic; children become upset if told not to place their feet on it.
- c) Remove all breakables to avoid crushing spirits, as children may break items if they see them.
- d) An indoor jungle gym and slide should be installed, as stairs are solely for children’s amusement.
A heartfelt thank you to all the parents who shared their children’s high-maintenance tendencies, enabling me to compile this humorous guide.
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Summary:
This assessment provides a humorous yet insightful look into the traits of high-maintenance children and offers a questionnaire for parents to consider before hosting playdates. From dietary restrictions to sleep habits and preferences for entertainment, this guide can help create a more pleasant experience for both hosts and guests.
Keyphrase: High Maintenance Child Assessment
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