Grooming Expectations
Imagine a modern urban playground. Dads are still wearing their 2009 jeans and t-shirts emblazoned with logos from their favorite bands of the late ’90s, and they might have last shaved a few days ago. Meanwhile, moms also sport jeans and casual tops, but they’ve purchased several pairs since their first pregnancy. Their blouses are designed to flutter over rather than cling to post-baby bodies, featuring asymmetrical details that draw the eye away from midsection insecurities. Their makeup is minimal yet presentable.
The boys resemble their fathers in neat jeans and sneakers, while the girls, still ready for play, are a step ahead in terms of style. They sport adorable poplin dresses adorned with bicycle prints and coordinating bloomers, soft gray dresses paired with bright leggings, and classic Mary Janes. The boys typically have short, cost-effective haircuts, while the girls often sport long styles that require a salon visit and a bigger budget. In my family, my husband and two sons are out the door in 15 minutes, while I take 30 to 40 minutes—those asymmetrical blouses need ironing, and my hair requires some attention to avoid looking disheveled. My husband uses the time he spends waiting for me to work or play guitar.
The Financial Implications
Stephen DeLoach, an economist at Elon University who specializes in time use and grooming, understands this disparity all too well. In a conversation with Dr. DeLoach about grooming norms for boys and girls, he noted that his morning routine with his seven-year-old son is as quick as my husband’s and sons’. He analyzed data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey and discovered that women generally take about 15 more minutes each day for grooming compared to men, averaging 45 minutes to men’s 30. However, he also found that women who groom for an hour and a half tend to earn 3% less than the average female groomers.
When I asked him what this could mean over a lifetime, he calculated that this 3% could accumulate to roughly $1.4 million over a 30-year career, using a starting salary of $50,000. “That amount could significantly impact retirement savings,” he remarked.
At first, I pondered—an hour and a half dedicated to grooming? What could possibly take that long? But then I began to consider the reasons behind this—why does more grooming correlate with lower earnings? While a certain level of grooming is necessary for public-facing roles, could it be that women are penalized for appearing overly meticulous? Perhaps societal norms dictate that women who invest more time in their appearance are perceived as too fussy, while men can often get away with a simpler look.
The Preparation
Reflecting on my female friends in high-powered jobs, I don’t see them as overly primped; instead, they present a straightforward yet feminine appearance. For instance, Mia, a professional in the tech industry, mentioned, “I only use eyeshadow, liner, mascara, and occasionally gloss.” This minimalist approach to makeup indicates attention to appearance without seeming vain, emphasizing professionalism.
As I continued my conversation with Mia, she introduced the idea of “prep work” that precedes the morning routine. She explained that tasks like weekly manicures and curating seasonal attire consume considerable time—time that men don’t typically spend worrying about age-appropriate clothing. Men can often wear a button-down shirt and cotton-blend pants throughout their adult lives and remain suitably dressed for most professional events.
Even those who adopt simpler grooming routines often have a lengthy backstory involving waxing, hair coloring, and ongoing shopping to meet shifting standards of appropriateness. Even if the morning routine is quick, this backstory can drastically increase the time spent on grooming throughout a month, a year, or a lifetime.
The Alternatives
What if we chose to disregard these grooming standards for women entirely and instead spent that time on hobbies like playing guitar? What if I, akin to the laid-back dads at the playground, donned an oversized band t-shirt and worn sneakers? For a 40-year-old woman who has had children, a loose t-shirt simply won’t suffice; we often seek out structured blouses that provide coverage from the bust to the waistline.
I asked a woman named Laura, who works as an administrator at a girls’ school in Connecticut, what would happen if her female coworkers adopted a more masculine grooming standard. She admitted that some colleagues have done just that, but often face negative comments from superiors and parents. Women who show up to work without a polished appearance may find themselves at a disadvantage, possibly losing opportunities because of their unkempt look.
This cultural inequity regarding grooming starts early. Even at age four, little girls spend significantly more time on their appearance than boys. Their mothers often lament the time and effort it takes to manage their daughters’ long hair, which requires detanglers, clips, and styling. For Black girls, the emphasis on well-groomed hair may demand even more time and money. I spoke to an African-American mother in Brooklyn who shares this experience and highlighted the stark contrast between her son’s quick haircut and her daughter’s lengthy styling process.
Alternate Realities
Imagine reclaiming all that grooming time. What if you could forgo the minutes spent plucking stray hairs or enduring a makeup tutorial? What if you dedicated those hours to enhancing your skills—learning a language, playing an instrument, or even coding? Such alternatives might significantly influence the wage gap between men and women, as well as the disparity between average and high earners. In a contest between someone who spends time on grooming and someone who invests that time in skill development, the coder will likely come out ahead.
While I understand the societal pressure to buy cute sundresses for a daughter, I would also be conflicted, knowing that I wouldn’t impose the same expectations on my sons. There is a clear disparity in how we value the appearance of girls compared to boys, which can alter the experiences of young girls. We encourage all children to play and explore, yet we place an additional expectation on girls to look adorable while doing so. This expectation adds an emotional burden and a continuous list of beauty chores to their lives.
Ultimately, I don’t want to waste time debating whether I have time to shave my legs before leaving the house or whether my toenails are presentable for open-toed shoes. I simply want to step out the door or play the guitar while waiting for my family.