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How to Triumph Over “My Most Infuriating Facebook Friend”
By Laura Johnson
Updated: September 3, 2015
Originally Published: November 16, 2014
- If you have publicly endorsed the notion of chemtrails (the streaks formed in the sky by airplanes, commonly referred to as contrails, which you believe to be chemicals dispersed by the government to manipulate our thoughts or induce a dependency on Prozac), you regrettably do not qualify for this contest. Furthermore, if you’ve shared articles from sources like naturalnews.com, The Washington Times, or infowars.com, your entry will be disqualified. This is because extreme viewpoints provide an unfair edge over those who are simply bothersome. As the philosopher Rumi wisely stated, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”
- If you’ve ever posted a quote from Rumi as your status, you are also disqualified from this contest. This is a necessary measure to limit entries to a manageable number. Again, quoting Rumi, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”
- If you’ve ever claimed that vaccinations lead to autism or circulated related “evidence,” you are not eligible for this contest (please refer to Rule 1). However, if you merely suggested that individuals who believe vaccinations cause autism deserve the freedom to “share their truth,” you are welcome to enter.
- If you have expressed gratitude over your mother’s cancer being in remission or noted that a truck narrowly missed you on the highway, you may enter, but it is unlikely you will be a serious contender given the gravity of such situations. If, however, you are grateful for “delicious snacks” or for the chance to confront your “issues with impermanence” due to your mother’s cancer recurrence, you should definitely participate. A post tagged with #grateful alongside a photo of a field of lupines will earn you an additional five points, provided it was shared before the contest announcement.
- If you have changed your name, please disclose any previous names used on Facebook to ensure we capture your full posting history. For instance, if you previously went by the name Pirate Fox, kindly write out “Pirate Fox” instead of drawing a fox with a star-shaped eyepatch. If you have altered your name more than 14 times in the last two years or more than seven times in the past four years, or more than three times in your lifetime, please send us a printed compilation of all your Facebook posts and comments since you joined the site. Please organize each name’s updates and comments separately, as a special prize will be offered if frequent name changes have aided in increasing your annoyance factor.
Lastly, do not hesitate to participate if you are “taking a break from Facebook,” especially if your final post mentioned wanting to be “more present for my family, my partner, and myself.” However, if you’ve taken the Buzzfeed quiz “Which Game of Thrones Character Are You?” please refrain from entering, as this may be used as a tiebreaker.
This article was originally published on November 16, 2014.
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In summary, this lighthearted guide outlines the unconventional criteria for a contest targeting the most annoying characteristics on Facebook. From advocating controversial beliefs to sharing overly sentimental gratitude, participants must navigate a series of humorous disqualifications to claim the title of “Most Infuriating Facebook Friend.”
Keyphrase: “Most Annoying Facebook Friend”
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