At some point between my first child’s birth and now, I underwent a transformation into a surprisingly unrefined individual. This shift occurred so gradually that it wasn’t until a childless friend looked at me in horror that I recognized how much my standards had changed. Here are the ten most notable alterations post-parenthood:
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Chocolate or Feces?
Before kids: A brown stain on anything could only mean chocolate, and I’d likely lick it off without a second thought.
After kids: There’s a genuine chance it could be feces. Even more shocking, my first instinct is to sniff the substance for clarification. Regardless, whether it’s chocolate or feces, I’m unlikely to interrupt my current task to clean it up. It can wait. -
Nasal Discharges!
Before kids: Boogers were repulsive. I would use multiple tissues to blow my nose, let alone someone else’s. The mere thought of someone picking their nose would send me into a fit of disgust!
After kids: If a tissue is available, I might use it; otherwise, my bare hand suffices. Extracting boogers from a baby’s nose has become second nature, and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that any dark clothing I wear will surely have those telltale translucent streaks on the shoulders. -
Vomit Collection
Before kids: If anyone, even my partner, looked like they might vomit, I would instinctively move as far away as possible.
After kids: Without hesitation, if my children start to vomit, I instinctively catch it in my hands. Why? It’s preferable to cleaning it off my freshly scrubbed carpets—those odors are nearly impossible to eliminate! -
Using Saliva for Cleaning
Before kids: My sister used to torment my brother and me with saliva warfare, pinning us down and drenching our faces.
After kids: I think nothing of wiping my children’s faces with my own saliva. It’s for cleanliness, not cruelty—there’s a distinction! -
Nail Care
Before kids: If my toenails or fingernails grew long, I’d simply trim them.
After kids: Children’s nails grow at an alarming rate! Keeping track of their tiny nail clippers is a challenge, and it’s not unusual for me to find myself seated on the couch, nibbling away at my baby’s overgrown nails! -
Sleeping in Pee
Before kids: The only times I might have unknowingly slept in urine were during a drunken stupor.
After kids: At some point, you will wake up to the sensation of warm liquid soaking your back. And when the bedwetting culprit mumbles, “Sorry, Mommy,” you’ll find yourself feeling guilty for your shocked reaction! -
Bath Time
Before kids: If someone defiled my bath with urine, I would have drained and disinfected it before even considering using it again.
After kids: As soon as the tub is filled, in goes my child, and I might even notice a yellow halo forming around them. But I look away; a little tinkle never hurt anyone, right? -
Ice Cream Cone Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mother lick ice cream cones made me anxious; I couldn’t comprehend her delight in tormenting me.
After kids: Before serving the ice cream, I lick it into a perfect shape to prevent it from dripping everywhere. I’m making it easier for my child—while also keeping their clothes clean! -
Eating Leftovers from Highchairs
Before kids: There was no way I would eat semi-chewed food from someone else’s plate.
After kids: If my child isn’t finishing their meal and I’m pressed for time, I think, why not? Down it goes! -
Diaper Inspection
Before kids: I can confidently say that I never inhaled the aftermath of a bathroom visit with enthusiasm.
After kids: Now, despite the obvious bulkiness of a dirty diaper, I find myself compelled to pick them up and take a whiff for confirmation!
The transformations we undergo for our children can be quite grotesque. My only hope is that one day, my children will also experience their own descent into this unrefined existence. Such is the circle of life.
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Summary:
The transition into parenthood brings about a range of surprising and, at times, unpleasant changes. From the way we perceive hygiene to the lengths we go for our children, these shifts redefine our standards. Understanding these transformations can help us embrace the chaotic beauty of parenthood.
Keyphrase: post-parenthood changes
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