By: Amelia Harper
Updated: August 3, 2016
Originally Published: April 8, 2012
It is with a heavy heart that I share the story of my baby, Luna Rose, affectionately known as “Star.” Tragically, Star passed away quietly in utero. One moment, I could see her tiny heart beating during our 10-week ultrasound, filled with hope and anticipation, and the next time I returned at 14 weeks, she was simply no longer there.
The grief of losing Star was unlike anything I had ever experienced; it hit me with an overwhelming force, leaving me emotionally and physically drained. For an entire week, I endured excruciating pain, curling up in a fetal position, unable to find solace in sleep. The agony was relentless—pain from the misoprostol, cramping, and the drawn-out emotional turmoil of trying to process the loss of my baby. I felt the weight of my heartache and questioned myself relentlessly: Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Had I not safeguarded her from the stresses of life? I was left feeling broken.
In the midst of this turmoil, my eldest child, Noah, became my anchor. He would wrap his little arms around me, offering comfort in my darkest moments, reminding me that love and life could still exist.
When the moment came for me to say goodbye, I carefully gathered Star’s tiny form and placed her in a beautifully crafted wooden box that I had cherished for years. I surrounded her with love letters, apologies, and prayers, creating a small sanctuary for her. As dawn broke over the Bay Area, I buried her beneath a tree, an act that may have broken various regulations, yet felt necessary. I wished for her to be embraced by nature, to return to the earth from whence she came.
In my heart, I felt a profound connection between Star’s departure and the arrival of my second child, Mia. I prayed for Star, knowing that I would eventually reunite with her in the afterlife, and I felt immense gratitude for Mia’s existence, especially considering her prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome. I can’t help but wonder if Star’s brief presence in my life was a catalyst for accepting Mia, to choose love despite the challenges.
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In summary, the experience of losing Star taught me profound lessons about love, loss, and acceptance. It reshaped my understanding of motherhood and prepared me for the joys and challenges that lay ahead with Mia. While I carry the memory of Star in my heart, I embrace the new life that has emerged from that sorrow.