Dear Beloved Partner,
This morning began with an unexpected wake-up call: our toddler’s tiny finger lodged in my nostril, her head nestled firmly atop mine, and the unmistakable warmth of her breath creating a sauna effect on my forehead.
Today, I have spent countless hours with various small children clambering over me, tugging at my clothing, and bestowing their bodily fluids upon me. They poke, squeeze, sneeze, and wrap around me so tightly that I often find myself having nightmares about being constricted by an octopus when I finally attempt to sleep at night.
While I cherish our relationship, I kindly request that you refrain from using your alluring hands for a moment. I need a bit of PERSONAL SPACE to transition from the role of mother to that of a spouse.
So, as we prepare for our special evening, please consider the following:
- It may be date night, but our children dedicated a solid three minutes to pinching my stretched-out belly button before I found myself face-to-face with a thunderous diaper change. Therefore, let’s hit the brakes for a moment.
- It may be date night, but I haven’t had a chance to use the restroom since waking up. During my one fleeting trip to the bathroom, our newly potty-trained child entered and offered to assist me. Let’s put a pause on that delightful image for a bit.
- It may be date night, but I’m currently wearing the same bra from yesterday, which I fell asleep in. The baby decided to spit up in my cleavage, leaving remnants to linger until I completely forgot about them. I might need some time to regroup, and possibly a bonfire for that Victoria’s Secret catalogue sitting on the counter, splattered with orange macaroni dust.
- It may be date night, but our daughter decided to wipe her nose on my arm and then claimed it was mashed bananas. (It definitely was not.) I think it’s best if you maintain some distance until I can scrub my arm and the memory from my mind.
- It may be date night, but I spent a staggering 85 percent of the day on my knees. Let me preemptively address that joke by clarifying that it was spent cleaning dried spaghetti sauce from the floor, gathering approximately a billion sensory beans, and scrubbing pee from the carpet. As alluring as my holey mom pants are, I think I need a moment to breathe.
- It may be date night, but the wild look in my eyes is a result of being bombarded by toys that light up, honk, or sing “Let It Go” in Spanish. So, don’t take it personally if you find me huddled in a corner, mumbling to myself instead of discussing romance tonight.
- It may be date night, but I prepared three meals today with our oldest child clinging to my leg, the youngest on my hip tugging at my hair, and the middle one sprawled on the floor, demanding attention. For dessert, I believe I’ll indulge in some silent meditation—let’s make it a double.
- It may be date night, but I just managed to finally get the baby to sleep, and I’ve already negotiated with the universe to keep her that way. If we disturb her, I’ll likely find myself nursing for another twenty minutes, and to say my breasts are having an existential crisis during these moments would be an understatement. So let’s aim for peace and quiet for at least six more hours.
I adore you, find you incredibly attractive, and I promise to prioritize us again soon. But today, our kids were so attached to me that they might as well have been inside me. I desperately need to recharge before I can meet your dreamy gaze and think about anything other than how wonderful it would feel to close my eyes and drift off.
For now, let’s savor some wine and strawberries that haven’t been quartered. Let’s sit by the fire and reminisce about why we fell in love all those years ago. Please hold me close throughout the night, shielding me from the toddler who has a knack for leaping onto my face at 3 a.m.
Thank you for your understanding. Happy Date Night!
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Summary:
In the chaos of parenting, the author humorously expresses the need for personal space and the challenges of transitioning from mother to partner during date night, while highlighting the realities of daily life with young children.
Keyphrase: Date Night with Kids
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