Updated: September 10, 2023
Originally Published: March 5, 2012
During World War II, my great-aunt married a young soldier while still in her teens, only to see him depart for war shortly after. Their paths diverged quickly, leading her to marry a man with whom she would share over five decades of life. Back then, divorce was a quiet affair, treated with minimal publicity and often kept secret. It wasn’t until near the end of her life that she revealed to her second husband and children that she had been divorced earlier in her adulthood. The revelation shocked her children, who felt blindsided by the fact that their mother had kept such an important part of her history hidden. Why did she choose to conceal it for so long?
Such secrets can be laden with fear, akin to carrying an unexploded bomb within your heart, unsure of when or how it might detonate. The stigma surrounding divorce remains prevalent today, often masked by bravado and claims of transparency.
For instance, after the Christmas holidays, I met a new friend for coffee. She is a successful executive and a mother of two, exuding beauty and elegance. As we shared snippets of our lives, she casually mentioned, “I was divorced, and this is my second marriage,” taking a moment to assess my reaction.
“I was divorced, too,” I replied gently. Her relief was palpable; she felt understood.
My four-year-old son was with me, engrossed in a puzzle, perhaps oblivious to our conversation. I haven’t shielded him from the term “divorce,” and thankfully, he hasn’t yet asked me what it means. However, I know that at some point, I will need to explain it to him, including the fact that I was divorced before meeting his father.
Even after a decade, the weight of my divorce occasionally feels like a stark reminder of failure. Many women and men I know who have faced similar circumstances wear their past like a hidden scarlet letter, bracing for judgment when they share their stories.
My mother-in-law, whom I greatly respect, has encouraged me to discuss my past with my son sooner rather than later. She believes it can be shocking for a child to learn later in life that their understanding of marriage was based on partial truths. She speaks from experience, having found out about her father’s previous marriage only after graduating high school.
When I searched for guidance on how to tell my child about my divorce, I found extensive resources on navigating a divorce between parents, but little on sharing one’s prior life experiences. Seeking further insight, I consulted Dr. Lisa Greene, a family therapist and friend.
“Revealing that we were previously married often causes more anxiety for the parent than for the child,” she explained. “Integrating this as part of your family narrative while they are young can prevent feelings of secrecy or betrayal later on. Secrets can undermine a child’s sense of security.”
I want to embrace that approach, but the phrase “Mommy had another husband” feels awkward and unnatural. After my separation, I discarded all traces of my first marriage, including photographs. If I discuss my divorce, do I need to touch on the domestic violence or the affair that contributed to our split? Striking the right balance of transparency with my son will require careful consideration.
Dr. Greene suggested waiting for a natural opening to introduce the topic, such as during a discussion about divorce or inquiries about life before their birth. “When addressing significant subjects with children, it’s best to provide concise, factual responses and gauge their curiosity,” she advised. “You could say, ‘I was married to someone else a long time ago, before I met your dad.’ See how he responds. He may ask questions now, or he might revisit the topic months later.”
As he matures, I may share the more challenging aspects of my divorce—how it impacted me physically and emotionally. I will emphasize that divorce doesn’t diminish his worth and that I will always be there to support him, just as my parents supported me.
While I wish I could avoid this conversation altogether, it is part of my journey that has shaped who I am today. I want him to understand that, while divorce is part of my history, it does not define me. Life can present hardships to good people, but there are always lessons to learn and love to discover.
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Summary
This article delves into the complexities of discussing past marriages and divorces with children. It emphasizes the importance of transparency and understanding in family narratives while navigating the delicate balance of sharing personal histories.
Keyphrase: Discussing Past Marriages with Children
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