What does it mean to feel regret about motherhood? This is my personal experience, and I cannot speak for others.
I carefully planned my pregnancy, believing that I truly wanted to have a child—so much so that I married the first man who showed interest in starting a family with me. Deep down, I knew I was making a questionable choice, but I convinced myself that I could navigate this journey with someone who may not have been the right partner for such significant life decisions. The pregnancy itself was fraught with complications, rendering me unable to work due to the discomfort I experienced.
Despite these challenges, I was still eager to welcome my baby. The biological urge was compelling enough to blind me to the warning signs my then-husband was consistently presenting. Ironically, I had spent the first 27 years of my life adamantly asserting that I did not want children. I was the fun aunt and the beloved older cousin; I thought those experiences would translate into successful parenting. I was mistaken.
During my pregnancy, I faced financial instability. My husband, who had a job at the time of our marriage, lost it shortly thereafter—either he quit or was let go; the truth remains unclear. He struggled to find stable employment for almost a year after our daughter’s birth. It wasn’t until I expressed my concerns about our financial situation that he joined the Navy.
My initial fear was that I wouldn’t be able to provide for my daughter. I returned to work when she was four months old and managed to improve our financial situation, even while my husband faced prolonged unemployment. Unfortunately, we encountered further financial difficulties from the time she was 2.5 years until she was about 7, and again from ages 12 to 14. Now, she is 17.
However, my feelings of regret run deeper. Many people face financial hardships after having children without feeling that parenting was a mistake. For me, the sense of error is palpable. I love my daughter deeply and refer to her as my magnum opus. The thought of losing her is unbearable; I would be inconsolable.
My regret does not stem from a lack of love or desire for her, nor is there anything wrong with her. I have never blamed her for my feelings of inadequacy as a parent. In fact, my love for her amplifies my guilt. I often feel like I am not the parent she truly deserves. Even though I strive to be a good parent and believe I have succeeded, the regret lingers because I didn’t want to be a parent in the first place. It’s a complex emotion that I cannot fully articulate.
Despite these feelings, I maintain a close relationship with my daughter. We communicate openly about everything, and she is well-adjusted, respectful, and happy. She views me as a great parent, a sentiment echoed by her friends—though I am not her “cool mom”; I am her mother. We have established rules in our home, and she adheres to them. She has taken on responsibilities and has requested my husband to adopt her, as they share a strong bond.
I have made a conscious effort to ensure she feels loved and valued, often pushing against my introverted nature to meet her emotional needs. Parenting has been a struggle, but it’s accompanied by love and responsibility.
For those considering the journey of parenthood through methods such as at-home insemination, resources like Make a Mom provide valuable guidance. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is also an excellent resource for understanding infertility treatments.
In summary, my experience highlights the complicated feelings that can arise in motherhood. While I love my child, I grapple with regret about my decision to become a parent. This inner conflict is a part of my journey, and it shapes the relationship I have with my daughter.
Keyphrase: Regretting Motherhood
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