By: Anonymous
Updated: Aug. 18, 2015
Originally Published: Jan. 11, 2010
As a parent, I have never aligned with the “cry it out” method when it comes to soothing infants. It simply doesn’t resonate with my parenting philosophy or personal inclinations. While I have friends who firmly advocate for this approach and have found success with it, my family and I have chosen a different path.
Many parents seek advice on how to manage crying infants, yet the “cry it out” method is seldom discussed in mainstream media. I recall watching the TV series Mad About You during my college years, where characters Paul and Jamie listened helplessly as their baby cried in her room. Jamie yearned to provide comfort, while they remained in the hallway embracing each other. Even at 22, I found myself perplexed—why wouldn’t she simply go in and console her child? What harm could that possibly bring? I knew then that I could never take that approach.
In my household, sleep is a complex endeavor. My children generally don’t sleep through the night until they reach around two years of age. Some nights, we find ourselves with one or all of our four kids in bed with us. There are certainly sleepless nights, but there are also times when everyone except the baby manages to sleep soundly in their beds.
Typically, my children share a bed with me until they are about 15 to 18 months old. At that point, we begin the night-weaning process and transition them to share a room with a sibling. Our routine involves nursing the baby or toddler to sleep, after which my partner takes over. He patiently sits with the child until they drift off, a process that can be time-consuming at first. Gradually, he works his way out of the room, eventually being able to enter, sing a lullaby, kiss goodnight, and leave. This gentle approach can span up to two months but is effective for us.
Why I Reject the “Cry It Out” Philosophy
To put it simply, I believe it is not in the best interest of the child’s emotional health. The first two years of life are crucial for establishing trust. If we isolate a child in a dark room, encouraging them to “self-soothe,” what message does that send? How would we feel if someone treated us similarly, leaving us alone despite our distress?
During my second pregnancy, I came across an insightful article titled “Crying for Comfort” by Althea Soltera in Mothering Magazine. It highlighted that a lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries—even for just five minutes—could be detrimental to their mental well-being. Babies left to cry alone may struggle to develop a fundamental sense of trust, potentially leading to feelings of helplessness, diminished self-esteem, and chronic anxiety later in life. This approach undermines the essential need for secure attachment, which is built on prompt and sensitive responses during the early stages of development.
Moreover, I believe there is a natural instinct for mothers to respond to their babies’ cries. It goes against our primal instincts to protect our offspring. Nighttime parenting is an integral part of my role; I don’t cease to be a parent when the sun sets.
I have encountered the argument that a mother’s well-being is crucial for a harmonious household. While there is merit to this perspective, parenting is a commitment that requires being present for my children, even during the night. I recognize that there will come a time when I can enjoy uninterrupted sleep, but that time is not yet here. I was somewhat prepared for this reality when I embarked on the journey of motherhood.
Admittedly, there have been moments of temptation to employ a “Ferberize” method or let my children cry themselves to sleep. The exhaustion can be overwhelming, and sometimes I find myself wishing for those mythical infants who sleep through the night at six months. However, I understand that such an approach comes with a cost that I am unwilling to pay.
Thus, I choose not to let my children cry it out unnecessarily. While this may mean I bear the visible signs of fatigue for the next couple of years, I firmly believe that the long-term benefits will outweigh the short-term challenges.
Additional Resources
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Summary
In summary, the “cry it out” method is not suitable for everyone. This article emphasizes the importance of responsive parenting, particularly during the early years when trust is being established. While sleepless nights can be challenging, the emotional and developmental benefits of being present for a child during their cries far outweigh the temporary fatigue parents may experience.
Keyphrase: Cry it out method
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