Updated: March 30, 2021
Originally Published: September 22, 2008
Recently, I received a message from a woman I only know through social media. The subject line read “I believe I’m an inadequate mother.” Alarmed, I opened it immediately and began to read.
Her email contained sentiments like: “I adore my children, but there are times I struggle to like them. I feel miserable. My partner and I rarely connect intimately. I strive to teach my kids right from wrong, and while they behave decently in public, they are chaotic at home. They lack manners and often tell me, ‘You are the worst mom ever.’ I’ve attempted positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, every form of reinforcement imaginable, yet nothing seems to work. I feel like a failure. I genuinely believe my children deserve a better mother, and my partner deserves a better wife. I’m terrified that I’ve damaged my children for life.”
Oh. Is that all?
If those feelings make you an inadequate mother, then we are all in the same boat! Every single one of us!
I can assure you, I am not the only mother who has exclaimed, “You would never address your teacher that way! I am your mother! I care for you! You cannot speak to me like that! You know better!” And during my time as a teacher, I had numerous parent-teacher conferences where I would praise a child, only to hear parents respond, “Well, you should see how they are at home!” or “Are we discussing the same child?”
We all share a common goal. We desire our children to be kind, responsible, compassionate, and respectful human beings. When they embody those traits, parenting becomes more enjoyable, and we feel a sense of accomplishment in our roles. We all want to take pride in what we create. As children, when we spend hours drawing and coloring a picture, we eagerly present it to our parents. The same applies when we strive for top grades in school or impress our bosses at work.
The most significant creation you will ever make is a child—especially as a mother, since you nurtured that person within you. You literally brought your children into the world. They arrive perfect: beautiful, innocent, and flawless. Then, reality sets in. The challenge is not in the pregnancy; it’s in raising them. Your real work begins once they are born. Nurturing a child is incredibly challenging and exhausting. Even when you think you’re guiding them correctly, you may inadvertently go astray. The longer you teach them the wrong way, the more difficult it becomes to correct those behaviors.
I frequently share photos of my children on social media showcasing their positive behaviors—cooking, reading, cooperating. Why? Because it feels rewarding to see them displaying the values I’ve tried to instill, and I take pride in those moments. It mirrors the joy of a young child proudly presenting a simple drawing, eager for affirmation: “Mommy! Look at my picture! Do you like it?”
When you invest effort into something and it turns out well, it’s natural to want to share it, particularly when those moments of success can represent merely 10 percent of your reality. The remaining 90 percent is rarely picture-perfect for any of us, and for many, half of the time can feel overwhelming. Often, your children may test your limits repeatedly throughout the day.
That’s when exhaustion sets in. You recognize the things you should be doing, like limiting screen time or ensuring they have nutritious meals. Yet, sometimes you surrender to convenience, choosing a quick snack for dinner and skipping important routines like brushing their teeth or bathing them because you simply lack the energy. These are moments that rarely make it to social media, but I assure you, they happen.
During a recent vacation, we experienced complete chaos as we attempted to leave for the beach. Each child had a meltdown: one got sunscreen in her eyes, another lost his basketball, and yet another refused to go at all. Amid the commotion, two kids began fighting, while the youngest accidentally slammed her finger in the door. It was utter chaos, with every child either screaming or crying. I’m certain neighbors were concerned and might have considered contacting authorities. It was not a moment to be captured online, but it was genuine chaos.
My children understand the difference between right and wrong. They know hitting is unacceptable and what is expected of them. Sometimes, they meet our expectations, and in those instances, I feel competent as a mother. However, during chaotic moments like that vacation, I often question my abilities. Unfortunately, those challenging moments occur more frequently than I’d like to admit.
Sometimes, regardless of your efforts, your kids will act up. It’s in their nature to test boundaries, to see how far they can push. During those times, it’s essential to hold on and ride out the storm until calm returns. Take a moment to reflect, reassess, and develop a new strategy.
There will come a time when the tumult settles, and you’ll have more energy and patience to try a different approach. It may be tomorrow or even next year. Until then, remember, your children are not irreparably damaged, and you are not an inadequate mother.
The ultimate goal is not perfection. It’s not about baking cookies or creating Pinterest-worthy moments or capturing Instagram-ready pictures. Sometimes, the primary goal is simply to keep everyone safe and sound. And that doesn’t make you an inadequate mom; it simply makes you a regular one.
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Summary
Being a mother is a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. It’s common to feel overwhelmed or inadequate at times, but remember that you’re not alone. The goal is not perfection; it’s about nurturing your children and keeping them safe. Embrace the chaos, and recognize that every parent faces similar struggles.
Keyphrase: inadequate mother
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