Updated: July 29, 2016
Originally Published: Oct. 12, 2005
This article marks the third segment in a yearlong series where a stay-at-home mom reflects on her youngest daughter’s senior year of high school and the college admissions journey. She concurrently navigates her own emotions as she braces for an empty nest and contemplates her future as her role at home comes to an end.
Three years ago, as my youngest daughter, Mia, was gearing up to start high school, a friend of mine was preparing to send her youngest child, Jake, off to college. I found myself repeatedly asking, “How does it feel?” This question stemmed from a blend of jealousy, fear, hope, and disbelief—I simply couldn’t fathom the moment when Mia would leave for college. At 14, she was just beginning her high school journey, and I had barely survived the challenging high school years of my older daughter, Emily. Even though I was also sending Emily off to college, it felt as though I would be trapped in a time loop with Mia; senior year seemed like an elusive concept, something far from reality.
“It’s hard to believe,” my friend replied, “and it’s going to be strange.” With all three of her children in college simultaneously, she and her husband would finally have their home to themselves after 21 years.
In my emails, I began signing off with my name along with the countdown to Mia’s departure for college: “Three years, 18 months,” I recall typing once. Then it changed to “two years, 11 months.” I wasn’t deliberately wishing time away, yet at the same time, I was. High school felt like a battleground we were compelled to navigate. By marking the years and months, I was subconsciously acknowledging that she would eventually leave.
Yesterday, I baked cookies for her. Baking is one of my favorite pastimes; it brings me a sense of relaxation and joy. Mia enjoys having cookies to include in her lunches as a summer camp counselor and for dessert at night, when she brings them up to my bed for a sweet treat together before sleep. As I mixed the batter for her beloved red velvet cookies, it struck me that my days of baking for her are numbered. What will it be like when I no longer mix batter for cookies twice a week or for her cherished double-chocolate breakfast muffins at least once a week?
Of course, I can still send her cookies and muffins while she’s away at college. I envision boxes overflowing with baked goods, addressed with her PO Box number in bold black letters, a race to the post office to ensure they arrive fresh. She’ll share them with her roommate and friends, regaling them with stories of how her mom always baked for her since childhood. While she would be popular for her delicious treats, she would likely be well-liked regardless.
Yet, it won’t be the same. That’s the realization I’m grappling with during this final year of high school. Change is challenging for me; I prefer familiarity. I enjoy knowing the menu at our favorite restaurant, the route I’ll drive, and what’s coming next. The uncertainty of my daughter’s senior year is fundamentally testing my comfort zone.
Mia has decided to apply to 10 different colleges—a well-rounded mix of target, reach, and safety schools—and she assures me that she would be happy attending any of them. That’s the crucial aspect: her happiness.
So, next year, I might be sending cookies across the country, or perhaps just to a neighboring state. Maybe she will be close enough for me to deliver cookies directly to her dorm. The uncertainty is unsettling to me. However, I must accept that this ambiguity is a significant aspect of senior year—for both the student and the parents.
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Summary
As the countdown to my youngest daughter’s college departure begins, I find myself reflecting on the bittersweet nature of change and the end of my cookie-baking days. While I’ll still be able to send her treats when she’s away, the intimacy of baking for her daily will soon be a memory. Navigating this transition is challenging, yet it’s a vital part of both her and my journey.
Keyphrase: College transition and baking memories
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