Did you ever think your younger selves were buried deep within, nothing more than remnants like brittle bones? They’re not gone; they haven’t been scattered like ashes in the wind. No, they remain embedded within you, all your past selves, layered inside your being. Picture them not so much as a nest, but rather as a row of jars in a pantry, each containing ingredients of increasing importance: tea, cornmeal, sugar, flicker, flame. Open the lid and inhale. Remember that? Now you’re feeling the heat.
When I first developed a crush on boys, I was far removed from the responsibilities of adulthood—no juggling family errands in a Subaru, no gray hair, no existential worries about laundry or spilled toothpaste. I was just a regular young person—well, maybe a bit quirky. It was sixth grade, and I had a flat chest, red-and-white sneakers, and hair held back with playful barrettes, forbidden from being cut into trendy styles. I devoured books by Joan Aiken and crafted dollhouse rugs while engrossed in Little House on the Prairie. Yet, I also found myself daydreaming about Mark Jupiter, longing to hold his hand as “Rock with You” played at the roller rink, my skates shimmering with excitement. On the last day of school, I eagerly awaited the return of my film, anxious to see his dimples once more.
As middle school approached, my romantic exploits continued. I briefly dated Jono Gallin at a bar mitzvah disco, captivated by the metallic gleam of his braces. In eighth grade, I admired a boy with peeling eczema and a unique hairstyle, as well as the brainy kid in science class who once passed me a note confessing his interest. Boys, boys, boys—so many crushes.
The notion of “crush blueprinting” takes on new meaning when your own child enters middle school. When his friends, all awkward and metal-mouthed, gather at our home, feelings of puppy love resurface. I recall their laughter echoing through the house, reminiscent of the Beavis and Butthead era—faces resembling patchwork quilts of mismatched features. One friend had a mouth full of teeth that seemed to have been randomly tossed in; they were wonderfully peculiar and made me nostalgic for my own youthful affections.
However, “crush blueprinting” eventually evolved into a more complex understanding of attraction as I grew up. I encountered muscled distance runners, boys who pressed me against gym walls and shared intimate moments in the music room. Their features became etched in my memory, and I learned about desire in those fleeting encounters. I moved on, too; I didn’t linger in the past but embraced relationships with peers as I matured, navigating my way through the landscape of adulthood.
I clarify to a friend, “Nostalgia is not pedophilia,” only to be interrupted by my daughter, who humorously misunderstands the term. It isn’t about romantic love for youth; it’s about reminiscing. As I drive to my son’s high school, those young men with their confident strides remind me of a version of myself I once knew—now obscured beneath the role of mother, perhaps camouflaged in gluten-free bake-sale brownies. They see the platter of bacon I’m holding, but they don’t recognize the youthful essence that still lingers within me.
And then there’s The Father, a figure who still embodies some of that youthful spirit. He isn’t merely the embodiment of suburban life; he occasionally revisits the boy he once was, urging me to recall the passion and intensity of those moments long past. Perhaps it’s a reminder to embrace both the past and present, a delicate balance of longing and acceptance.
This piece is adapted from Soul Mate 101 and Other Essays on Love and Sex, edited by Jennifer Niesslein. For those exploring the possibilities of parenthood, consider checking out this guide on fertility boosters for men. If you’re interested in at-home insemination, resources like the Impregnator at Home Insemination Kit can provide valuable information. For a deeper understanding of the insemination process, visit this excellent resource on what to expect during your first IUI.
In summary, the journey through adolescence, nostalgia, and the evolving landscape of relationships is a complex yet vital aspect of life. The interplay between past and present shapes who we are as parents and individuals, reminding us of the beauty and challenges of love and connection throughout the years.
Keyphrase: “nostalgia in relationships”
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]