Updated: Feb. 8, 2021
Originally Published: May 15, 2018
As a child, I always envisioned having three kids. Growing up as a younger sister to an older brother, I longed for another sibling. I dreamed of playing house with a younger sister while my older brother was “boring” with his books, and creating shows with him when my sister was throwing a fit. I thought I would never be short on playmates. But no amount of pleading could sway my parents to have more children.
Now, as a mother of three, I find immense joy in witnessing their camaraderie. However, there are moments filled with chaos—yelling, hitting, poking, tackling, and more. These instances are tough on all of us, particularly on me. When sibling disputes arise, my anxiety skyrockets.
Typically, their fights revolve around sharing—be it a toy, a friend, or even a snack. While they might argue over these things, the underlying issue is often a desire for our love and attention as parents. They are searching for reassurance: “Am I your favorite? Am I special?”
I’ve noticed that when I’m present, their squabbles tend to escalate much quicker and last longer than when I’m not around.
My internal monologue during these conflicts often sounds like this: Should I side with the youngest? Should I discipline them all? Is it time for a timeout? Should I take the toy away? Maybe I should separate them?
As a therapist, I grappled with the deeper motivations behind their behavior and how I could effectively reduce their anxiety.
Last year, feeling overwhelmed by the frequency of fighting in our household—not just between my sons, but also involving my three-year-old daughter—I attended a parenting workshop led by Dr. Sarah Mitchell, a child development expert and author of “How Toddlers Flourish.” She recommended something I had also come across in my own readings: “Let the kids resolve their conflicts themselves. If you don’t want to witness it, send them to their room.”
Dr. Mitchell explained that intervening often creates a rivalry between siblings, complicating matters further. By stepping back, we allow them to unite, even against us. I asked her about my three-year-old: “But what if she gets hurt?”
“Is she resilient?” Dr. Mitchell inquired.
“Absolutely,” I replied.
“Then she can handle herself.”
Feeling uncertain about this advice, I decided to give it a shot. The initial fights were incredibly challenging for me. I realized how frequently I had intervened—prompting apologies, issuing time-outs, confiscating toys, and setting timers. I was expending so much energy, often left feeling drained and upset, while the kids would move on to their next game within minutes, completely forgetting the altercation.
Eventually, I shifted my mindset. When I noticed them fighting, I’d say, “You can argue, but please do it away from me.”
At first, they were taken aback. “Wait, we can fight?” But soon enough, they’d return saying, “We’d rather not fight!” Occasionally, they would retreat to their room to continue their bickering. In those instances, I simply had to allow it to unfold and hope they wouldn’t cause real harm to one another. More often than not, they emerged from their room unscathed and ready to play again.
With my absence as a key player, their disputes became far less intriguing to them.
Around this time, I began composing songs centered on sibling relationships. Before the arrival of my third child, my music revolved around the parent-baby dynamic. Now, I was drawn to exploring the complexities of sibling bonds. I realized that the dynamics between siblings are just as crucial in shaping who we are and how we interact with others later in life as parent-child relationships.
I pondered questions like: How do we manage competition among peers? How do we support friends? How do we cope with rejection? All of these experiences are practiced with our siblings.
One of my most thought-provoking discoveries was that parents can play a vital role in fostering healthy sibling relationships. Surprisingly, the best approach I found was to take a step back. However, this is not as straightforward as it sounds. Stepping back means not only physically removing myself but also emotionally detaching. If their finely-tuned emotional senses detect that I am genuinely neutral, they lose interest in the conflict.
I also began interviewing adult siblings to gather insights on my questions. My second revelation was the importance of ensuring each child feels special. They need to know that they are loved in a way that is unique to them. When they truly feel this, the urge to compete diminishes.
Has the fighting ceased in our home? Absolutely not. But now, I am no longer a participant, which means their arguments focus more on the issue at hand. After all, fighting over a toy is far less captivating than fighting over love.
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Summary:
This article explores the challenges of sibling rivalry and offers insights from a mother’s experience. By stepping back from intervening in fights, she discovers that her children resolve conflicts more effectively on their own. The dynamics of sibling relationships are crucial in shaping their interactions with others, emphasizing the importance of ensuring each child feels uniquely loved.