I’m not certain how this activity will resonate with you—it could be entirely enjoyable or perhaps a bit disconcerting. Are you ready to join me on this journey? Once you finish this sentence, close your eyes for a moment and visualize, in as much detail as possible, the last two minutes of your most recent interaction with your child.
Don’t proceed further until you’ve done this.
And take a deep breath.
Now, I encourage you to revisit that same moment and try to see it through your child’s perspective. Take your time. Attempt to connect with how it felt to be that child during your interaction.
Please, give it a try.
And breathe.
Your last interaction may have been a gentle kiss goodnight, a warm hug, or perhaps a moment of exasperation when your child interrupted you while you were engrossed in your phone. Whatever that moment was, it was real for both you and your child.
In my parenting journey, there are moments where reflecting on that exercise fills me with warmth, knowing I created a meaningful connection where my children felt valued and secure. Conversely, there are times when the exercise brings me to tears, realizing I inadvertently conveyed that they were unimportant or annoying. How about you?
If I view the world through my child’s eyes, I want them to see me as loving, reliable, compassionate, and engaged—especially when they are testing boundaries.
Here’s the truth: from a child’s viewpoint, we often send mixed messages at critical times.
When our kids misbehave, our instinct is to react, often fueled by feelings of anger or frustration. Parenting is an overwhelming task, constantly competing for our attention alongside countless other responsibilities. Ironically, during the moments when our children exhibit positive behaviors—behaviors we want to encourage—we tend to be distracted by our never-ending to-do lists. We can easily miss the opportunity to be present and connected in those moments.
Try This Experiment
Consider undertaking one (or more) of the following:
- For a day (or part of a day), monitor your interactions with your child. Classify each communication as “affirming,” “critical,” or “neutral.” What does your ratio reveal?
- Record a two-minute interaction with your child. Afterward, review it and observe your relational dynamics. Did you uncover anything new?
- When your kids are playing independently, notice your initial instinct—do you feel drawn to engage with them, or do you tend to withdraw and tackle your tasks?
We often find ourselves focusing on enforcing boundaries, but what if we redirected our energy towards making the time spent within those boundaries genuinely rewarding?
What Might That Look Like?
When your children are getting along well, pause to acknowledge it: “I love how you both are playing together. It warms my heart to see your teamwork. I need to finish the dishes, but I’ll check back in five minutes to see your amazing play.” (And yes, set a timer to ensure you follow through.)
When tucking your child into bed and they seem uncertain, reassure them: “I’ll return in ten minutes to see how beautifully you’re sleeping.” (And set that timer, too.)
If your child promptly follows an instruction, celebrate their accomplishment with a high five or a hug, and say, “It really helps me when you follow through immediately. Thank you.”
At dinner, your family could take turns sharing what they appreciated about each other that day.
When conversing with other adults within earshot of your kids, take the opportunity to praise them, sharing moments that make you proud while keeping challenges private.
As you tuck them in at night, reflect on the things you appreciated about them throughout the day. Once, this led to my child expressing, “I appreciate how you’ve parented me today, Mom.”
When they approach you during busy or frustrating moments, take a breath and connect with the parent you aspire to be. See yourself through their innocent eyes, and respond as the parent you want them to perceive.
When setting behavioral expectations, consider their perspective—do they truly understand what “being good” looks like? Is it clear for you as well? Can we simplify it for them? Would visual reminders help? Do they need more prompts?
We must invest time in being present with our children. If this proves challenging, prioritize learning how to be mindfully present rather than getting lost in your internal thoughts.
Parents often grapple with managing when kids step outside established boundaries. However, decades of research into human (and animal) behavior suggests that we’re more motivated to reinforce positive behaviors than to react to negative ones. In simpler terms, by pouring more energy into making it rewarding to stay within our boundaries, we reduce the likelihood of them wanting to push those limits. It’s a beautiful approach to parenting.
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Summary
This article explores a transformative parenting experiment that encourages parents to view their interactions with their children from the child’s perspective. It emphasizes the importance of being present and affirming during positive moments while guiding parents to focus on building connections rather than merely enforcing boundaries.