If there’s one thing you’ll quickly realize upon discovering you’re expecting, it’s that the first trimester can be downright dull. After the initial thrill of a positive pregnancy test, sharing the news with close friends, and picking up a few baby books, there isn’t much to do while you wait for ultrasounds and those delightful baby kicks. So, what’s the solution? Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course! (Because who wouldn’t want to measure their growing child against various fruits and vegetables?) These trackers can be helpful for daily reminders that, yes, you’re still pregnant, but let’s be honest: they don’t always tell the whole truth. If they were more candid, here’s what they might say:
Week 4
Congratulations! If you’re already aware that you’re expecting, brace yourself for a lengthy journey ahead. Ten months can feel like an eternity when you’re the one nurturing a human. Cheers! Oh, and make that a seltzer, please.
Week 6
That so-called pregnancy glow? It’s as uncommon as a solar eclipse or a man turning down intimacy. They might be talking about the oily sheen on your face that brings you back to your teenage years. But hey, if you’re lucky, your newly enlarged bust might distract from the chest acne. Celebrate the small wins!
Week 9
By now, you’ve probably realized that the $50 you spent on those Preggie Pops, anti-nausea wristbands, and B6 supplements could have been better spent on a mountain of carbs that would do the trick far more efficiently. Feel free to indulge in those carbs while binge-watching reruns of late-night shows in your comfiest sweats. No need to impress anyone—you’re too nauseous for that anyway. #noshame
Week 13
If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy off your boss’s radar, it might be wise to keep your office door shut while you deal with your lunch’s return and then promptly fall asleep under your desk. Just saying, Janet from HR is looking a bit too inquisitive today.
Week 16
Now that everyone knows you’re pregnant—not just awkwardly chubby—let it all hang out! Dive into that third Gordita Supreme because it might just help you transition into actual maternity wear faster, so you can stop wearing your curtains as a top.
Week 19
That cheeseburger with Nutella and olives? It looks… interesting. Better start stocking up on Tums. And if you’re one of those rare women who craves veggies, maybe keep that to yourself, alright?
Week 21
Congrats on hitting the halfway mark; the real excitement begins now. But let’s not forget, pregnancy lasts 10 months—yes, ten. Just a reminder in case your memory is a little foggy. And Hugh Grant? Yeah, we’re side-eyeing you.
Week 24
What’s the lesson for this week? Repeat after me: fake wine just doesn’t cut it.
Week 29
Remember when every kick felt like a magical moment? Yeah, those days are behind us.
Week 33
Your baby weighs about 4 pounds, but you’ve gained 4 pounds plus an additional 30. The math doesn’t quite add up, does it?
Week 37
After a frantic rush to finish the nursery and pack your hospital bag, you’re left with the sobering realization that you could still be pregnant for another four weeks. Sorry, not much advice here.
Week 39
Even if it feels like your baby is attempting a roundhouse kick to escape, you can relax—it’s not as simple as just falling out.
Week 41
Feel free to reach out to everyone who guessed you’d deliver early and tell them what they can do with their predictions. It might give you a brief sense of relief. Once that wears off, Ben and Jerry will be there to comfort you.
Now that you’ve finally welcomed your little one into the world, you might be eager to ditch that pregnancy tracker app that’s been nagging you for ten months. But don’t forget, it’s time to download a baby tracker app instead. (After all, how else will you compare your adorable bundle of joy to every other kid out there?) You can thank us later when you find yourself sleeping soundly (or not) instead of frantically Googling, “How much baby poop is normal?” in the dead of night.
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Summary
Navigating pregnancy can be a mix of excitement and monotony, especially during the first trimester. An honest pregnancy tracker would highlight the ups and downs, from the initial thrill to the waiting game that follows. As you approach the final weeks, remember that it’s a lengthy journey, and there’s support and information available to help you along the way!