I can already hear the excuses you have for your partner’s racist views. “But they’re a fantastic parent!” “But they help with chores!” “But they get along with my family and provide for us!” And sure, aside from their racism, they might be kind-hearted, donating to animal charities, going to church, or even volunteering for orphans. Small dogs and children might love them too. But here’s the bottom line: they’re racist.
At the core, your partner perceives people of color as inferior to white people. If you can acknowledge this reality, it’s time to consider moving on from your racist partner.
Recently, my friend Alex was smitten with a guy he’d admired for ages. He was charming, attractive, and apparently great in bed. However, there was one significant issue: “He’s racist.”
I had to remind him of Tina Fey’s wisdom: “That’s a dealbreaker.”
“You can’t be close to someone who harbors such prejudices,” I argued. “You’re part of a marginalized community yourself. You deserve better. Let him go.”
Your Partner Isn’t Just ‘A Little Bit’ Racist
There’s a song from the musical Avenue Q that asserts, “Everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes/ Doesn’t mean we go around committing hate crimes.” While it’s true that everyone may have implicit biases, it does not excuse blatant racism.
Your partner may be entrenched in harmful ideologies, insisting on “ALL LIVES MATTER!” or “THIN BLUE LINE!” rhetoric, or they might even openly flaunt their racism. If they’re proudly displaying symbols of hate, then what were you thinking in the first place?
The reality is that they are unwilling to engage in the difficult work of confronting their complicity in a system that perpetuates white supremacy. They resist acknowledging their privilege and refuse to understand the experiences of people of color.
It’s time to break free from your racist partner. A true partner should uplift you, not drag you down into the depths of ignorance.
Think About the Kids
If you have children, this is an even more pressing issue. Growing up with a parent who promotes racist beliefs will confuse them about racial justice. One parent may advocate for understanding and inclusivity, while the other dismisses it as nonsense. Who do you think the kids will listen to?
You want your children’s understanding of diversity shaped by who yells the loudest or who gets the most support from relatives? For their sake, you need to make a choice and let your racist partner go.
I grew up in a household where racial insensitivity was commonplace, where Martin Luther King Jr. Day was ridiculed, and where derogatory language was used. It wasn’t my mother who held these views, but my father. The legacy of that upbringing weighed heavily on me, and it took years of hard work to unlearn those biases. Your children deserve better.
You can’t teach them about racial equality and privilege while someone is whispering that affirmative action is stealing opportunities from white folks.
Does Your Partner Recognize Their Racism?
It’s worth considering: does your partner even realize they’re being racist? Some individuals genuinely don’t grasp the implications of their beliefs. If your partner is willing to engage in honest conversations about race, privilege, and their own biases, perhaps there’s hope for change.
If they have friends of color, use that as a starting point. Ask them to consider the implications of their beliefs on those friendships.
If you truly believe in your partner’s potential for growth, it’s your job to guide them. If they’re as wonderful as you claim, they’ll be open to learning. But if they refuse, it’s time to close the door on that chapter.
For more insights on this topic, check out our related post here.
To sum it up: if you’re living with someone who holds racist beliefs, especially if you have kids, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. You deserve a partner who supports your journey toward understanding and justice, not one who pulls you back into ignorance.
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